How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria's?

Arnold Schwarzenegger cheated on his wife Maria Shriver, fathered a child outside of their marriage as a result of said cheating, and referred to this mistake in his press release as an "event" that took place over ten years ago.

Event?

An event is something that happens and ends. Producing a child outside of your marriage is far more than an "event." When your "event" walks, talks, and attends school, it ain't an "event."

Maria Shriver has joined the Sisterhood of the Philandering Husbands. That club includes presidents' wives, congressmen's wives, and a pretty significant percentage of wives around the world. I wouldn't wish that on any woman. And unlike a mistress, whom you can choose to have nothing to do with after the "event," Arnold had to take it one step further and have a "baby mama." That makes Arnold more than just a father or ex-governor: He's a "baby daddy," as in that janky song, "That's Just My Baby's Daddy." Indeed.

So how do you solve a problem like Maria's -- finding out that your husband not only cheated, but fathered a child who will be a part of his life for the rest of his life?

You don't. Because it's not your problem. It's his.

I had the good fortune to be cheated on by someone I was dating. I say "good fortune" because I didn't marry the schmuck, never even got close. My schmuck even had the temerity to have me and the other woman riding around with him in a car, each of us thinking the other was just a friend. I don't know if I would have ever married him, but I feel blessed that that experience happened to me while I was single. There were no children involved, no property to divide, no career given up. I dropped him with a phone call. It was all he deserved. But I learned a lot, and there's still more to be learned from all this.

First, cheating is the cheater's problem, not yours. Cheaters, especially male cheaters, will sometimes try to blame the women they've cheated on. Unless you cheated on him first, cheating is not your fault. If he was unhappy in the relationship, he needed to be man enough to say so and get out of the relationship in an honest way that respected you and what you both had. If he wasn't unhappy in the relationship and cheated, then he still has a problem with personal responsibility and control. If a man can hold it long enough to pee, he can hold it back long enough to avoid violating his marriage vows. I know men think their penises have a will and a personality all their own. They don't. If you are weaker than your own penis, maybe you shouldn't own one.

Second, no man can make you and, therefore, he can't break you. Everything you brought into the relationship -- your skills, your virtues, your drive, your heart -- was already there inside of you. You are not diminished in any way just because your spouse or significant other has a wandering penis. Always, always remember what you're made of. In Maria's case, she's made of pretty stern stuff. Arnold's actions don't change that. She's going to be just fine. She probably doesn't know it yet, but she will.

Third, your priority at this point is to protect yourself and your children if you have any. In my case, my cheater owed me money. I got the money back, then dropped him. In Maria's case, she needs to make sure her kids are okay and taken care and then take care of herself. A call to a good forensic accountant and divorce attorney might be in order right about now, even if she doesn't divorce the putz. She needs to make sure that her rights and her children's rights are protected. A therapist might not be a bad thing, either. A summer at Hyannisport might be in order.

Fourth, don't second guess yourself and don't beat yourself up for not seeing what was probably obvious to everyone else. Love blinds, and no one thinks they should have to double check and birddog someone they trust, especially if they trusted the person enough to marry him. Cheaters violate that trust, but there's no wrong in having trusted in the first place. But a bought lesson is a learned lesson, and you will become more discerning about trusting down the line. You have to.

Fifth, you can't blame the child created out of all this, so don't mistreat it. What child would choose a cheater as a parent? As hard as it might be, a little compassion for the other child in this situation is in order. As a mom, I'm sure Maria Shriver gets this. Should Arnold decide to be more than a checkbook for this child, his actions should be encouraged for the sake of the child. That doesn't mean you have to live with him and encourage him, but encouragement would not be a bad thing. Again, as a mom, I'm sure Maria gets this.

But trying to change a cheater, especially one that has fathered a child outside of the marriage and lied about it for ten years? That's nobody's problem but the cheater's. Sure, you can take a cheater back, but at the end of the day, only they can change their behavior.

So how do you solve a problem like Maria's? You don't, because you can't.

P.S. I wish Maria Shriver and her children the best. She was, in my opinion, probably the best First Lady the state of California has ever known. I hope she knows it.

Are You Having Any Fun?

I watched today as California's First Lady Maria Shriver eulogized her mother and carried her casket.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking: I didn't know women were allowed to carry caskets.

I guess if your mother was Eunice Kennedy Shriver, you wouldn't have grown up thinking you couldn't.

From Ms. Shriver's account, her mother, founder of the Special Olympics and a woman infused with the spirit of public service that is the hallmark of the Kennedy clan, was, above all, a mom. And it sounds like she was a fun one at that. Ms. Shriver spoke of how her mother wore men's pants, smoked Cuban cigars, cared little about how she wore her hair, played touch football, and came to pick up her daughter from school in a convertible while wearing notes pinned to her sweater to remind her of her to-do's. She was, in Ms. Shriver's word, an inspiration to women because she made them think they could indeed have it all.

She sounded like she was Katherine Hepburn, but with children. She sounded like the kind of woman you would have invited over for girl's poker night and a pitcher of margaritas. Like she was simply a hoot.

Say what you will about the Kennedys, but what sets them apart from most Americans is that they live with passion. Maybe it's because they supposedly live under some curse, as some have said; maybe it's because they know that life is truly a gift from God for an undetermined period to be lived in service to others. I don't know what it is, but they seem to live with passion -- for public service, for family and friends, for life.

Do you? I know I don't always.

I was thinking about this as I was cleaning out my garage and watching while a plumber was working on our water heater. By the way, if you have a Bradford White water heater, let me tell you now: Your water heater sucks or will soon suck. Our house is only three years old, we've been in it less than a year, but this is our second service repair on the water heater. Take my word for it: They suck. But I digress.

I was unpacking boxes of stuff we received as wedding gifts over six years ago and moved from Colorado to California without even looking at them or put in storage in California. I came across a box of glasses and stemware -- white wine glasses, red wine glasses, highball glasses, martini glasses. And that little ditty from the Safeway commercial came to mind:

Are you having any fun?
What'cha getting out of living?
What good is what you've got
If you're not
Having any fun?

It reminded me of how little BMNB and I entertain, partly because we have no decent furniture (two things we didn't really take care of in our thirties: Furniture and children. We're working on the latter. The former is from thrift stores), partly because we're not so good at it, partly because it's work. We forget how fun it is simply to be in the company of people we enjoy, people who really don't care if we've got great furniture or if we burn the steaks on the grill. (And if you don't watch BMNB, he will indeed burn your bovine and char your cow.)

Both of us are members of black fraternal service organizations, but with time and cross-country moves, we've inadvertently distanced ourselves from the bonds of those organizations and the public service we pledged ourselves to in college.

But we need to do more. We need to have fun. With people we like and who like us regardless of whether we live in a hut or a hovel. And we need to serve more.

We need to live our lives with the same kind of passion as the Kennedys, even if we don't have their money. We need to make the most of what we do have, enjoy it, and share it. Because when we go, I want our friends and family to say that we did indeed value the lives we were given and lived them with the same passion and purpose as Eunice Kennedy Shriver.

If my future daughters, my sisters, or my nieces want to carry my casket, so be it. They're more than welcome to wear pants while doing it. And if they have some margaritas afterward, I ain't mad at them.