In this era of fake news, fake political candidates, and fake people all around, my prayer and mantra for 2017 is simple: Do not waste time on people and things that don't matter.
In 2016, I spent too much time and money on things and people who didn't matter. I allowed myself to become distracted by stuff that, for me and Black Man Not Blogging, didn't really matter for our happiness. These distractions not only didn't improve the quality of our life together; they decreased it with additional and unnecessary stress.
The good news is that, for the most part, we're okay. Yeah, Trump and his ilk really suck, but instead of a lot of hand wringing and commiserating, I'm going to do the one thing my late mother She Who Is Exalted (SWIE) did better than anyone I know: Play the hand you've been dealt. My mother was a black female without a college education and with six kids, so playing the hand she was dealt was her survival skill. Now it will be mine.
She also didn't spend a lot of time on things or people who didn't matter. She was too focused on her purpose: Raising six children who didn't end up on drugs or in prison. For the most part, she succeeded. To the extent that what someone wanted from her detracted or distracted from her purpose, she really didn't have much time for them. She was too busy playing the hand she was dealt.
Well, relatively speaking, I've got an even better hand to play. I am educated. My job is pretty secure. I make decent money. I have good health insurance. My elderly father is safe and well cared for. Most of my siblings are retired and living like teenagers with money. There are things I want to see, do, and be while I'm still relatively healthy. I want to enjoy more of the people I love and what I've worked for. I refuse to get my anxiety up over things I can't control.
I do not want to waste even a second on people and things that don't matter 2017. That is my prayer and my mantra.
Happy New Year to you and yours. May you also not waste even a second on people and things that don't matter in 2017.
Showing posts with label work/life balance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work/life balance. Show all posts
A Tectonic Shift in Priorities (Or Collateral Damage in the Mommy Wars)
We have a new person at work, who I will refer to as "NP" for purposes of this blog. NP has an infant. Today NP's boss, one of the highest-ups in the food chain where I work, blithely stated that NP would be assigned to work on an urgent assignment this weekend, without the slightest hint of prior consultation or consensus with NP. NP sat there with a shit-eating grin and did not protest. It sucks to be new.
Whoa, Nelly.
I thought to myself that if my boss had similarly committed me to work this weekend without consulting me, I would have said, "I have plans." Because I do. And I plan on having plans for the weekend for the next fifteen years or so years.
Black Man Not Blogging (BMNB) and I are getting closer to adopting a toddler-age sibling set through foster care. As we get closer, I am alternately excited and nauseated at the prospect of what our life will become as late-life parents to young kids. We're marking some major milestones as of late -- BMNB turned fifty last year; I will turn fifty next month; and we'll mark our tenth anniversary five days after my birthday. If all goes as planned, we'll be parents by the end of the summer.
All of this has brought about what I'd call a tectonic shift in my priorities.
It is now more important to me than ever to have my weekends free for the family I'm trying to build and the life I'm trying to create for them. I don't want to be told with little notice and no opportunity to refuse that my weekend will be yanked out from under me. That's one of the reasons why I hated litigation -- the lack of control over one's schedule. When BMNB and I got married, we agreed there could only be one trial attorney in the family, and since I didn't want to be the trial attorney, it worked out well.
It is also more important to me to create the kind of family life for my kids-to-be that my parents created for me. We always ate dinner together as a family, and my mom cooked almost seven days a week. McDonald's was a treat for us because we only went there once a month, if at all. We ate huge Sunday dinners as a family, so much so that we were spoiled. We got to the point where we kids were turning up our noses at roast beef, turkey and ham. I'd give my left arm for my mom's roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy right about now. Hell, I don't even know how to make gravy.
Unlike most women my age, I've never taken time off to raise children. I've never had a maternity leave. My one and only pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, brought on in part, IMHO, from stress doing -- you guessed it -- litigation.
I want more living and less working. I have the nerve to expect more of life at this stage in my life. I actually feel I deserve to be happy in my career and home life, and if I can't be happy in my career, well, two tears in a bucket; motherf*** it. It just doesn't matter as much to me anymore.
I'm not like BMNB. He's happier than a pig in you-know-what practicing the law he practices. He has more freedom than I do -- an alternate work schedule, the freedom to work from home, and no bosses looking over his shoulder. It works for him.
Me, not so much. And I know that I'm running out of time to figure out how I'm going to make this all work because, sooner or later, that urgent assignment will come in, it will be my turn, and I will be expected to work over the weekend. My refusal will be considered insubordination. I'm already wearing a target on my back at work (it's a long story -- let's just say I'm in someone's cross hairs); any misstep can and will be held against me.
How much time will I take off to get our kids acclimated? How much time can I afford to take off?
Do I quit altogether and see if we can make it one BMNB's salary alone, even with the debt we have? That I can even consider such an option is a blessing that most women don't have, and I don't take it lightly. Do I just jump into motherhood and a new mother-friendly career (ahem, blogging?) at the same time and let go of the possibility of a pension, 401(k) and health care benefits in old age? What will our social worker think?
While other women are contemplating leaning in, I just feel like collateral damage in the so-called "mommy wars." Working moms and working-at-home moms (I think the term "stay-at-home mom" doesn't fully capture all the work that the term entails) seem to still be working this motherhood and career conflict out on each other instead of together opening up a can of whupass on the labor market to better accommodate parenthood. I would have thought that by this stage of the game, all the things that women need to parent and stay in the work force would have been standard issue by now in America -- paid parental leave, a child care center or pre-school on every corner, common and accepted part-time and shared work situations. But they're not, and each woman contemplating motherhood is left in a feral state to try to patch together some semblance of work-life balance. Lean in? At this stage, I don't care to lean in. I'd rather lean back, hold my kids-to-be, and read every single Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein book to them without worry. It is no longer a priority of mine to impress my superiors at work and continually prove myself to people whose opinion of me, in the end, doesn't really matter. What really matters to me is to know what it is to love children of my own and to share that love with BMNB. Everything else pales in comparison.
And the irony of it all? NP's boss is constantly out of the office with her sick children and doesn't work weekends. How's that for leaning in?
I don't know how this will all turn out, but I'm excited about what the future holds for BMNB and me.
Stay tuned.
Whoa, Nelly.
I thought to myself that if my boss had similarly committed me to work this weekend without consulting me, I would have said, "I have plans." Because I do. And I plan on having plans for the weekend for the next fifteen years or so years.
Black Man Not Blogging (BMNB) and I are getting closer to adopting a toddler-age sibling set through foster care. As we get closer, I am alternately excited and nauseated at the prospect of what our life will become as late-life parents to young kids. We're marking some major milestones as of late -- BMNB turned fifty last year; I will turn fifty next month; and we'll mark our tenth anniversary five days after my birthday. If all goes as planned, we'll be parents by the end of the summer.
All of this has brought about what I'd call a tectonic shift in my priorities.
It is now more important to me than ever to have my weekends free for the family I'm trying to build and the life I'm trying to create for them. I don't want to be told with little notice and no opportunity to refuse that my weekend will be yanked out from under me. That's one of the reasons why I hated litigation -- the lack of control over one's schedule. When BMNB and I got married, we agreed there could only be one trial attorney in the family, and since I didn't want to be the trial attorney, it worked out well.
It is also more important to me to create the kind of family life for my kids-to-be that my parents created for me. We always ate dinner together as a family, and my mom cooked almost seven days a week. McDonald's was a treat for us because we only went there once a month, if at all. We ate huge Sunday dinners as a family, so much so that we were spoiled. We got to the point where we kids were turning up our noses at roast beef, turkey and ham. I'd give my left arm for my mom's roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy right about now. Hell, I don't even know how to make gravy.
Unlike most women my age, I've never taken time off to raise children. I've never had a maternity leave. My one and only pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, brought on in part, IMHO, from stress doing -- you guessed it -- litigation.
I want more living and less working. I have the nerve to expect more of life at this stage in my life. I actually feel I deserve to be happy in my career and home life, and if I can't be happy in my career, well, two tears in a bucket; motherf*** it. It just doesn't matter as much to me anymore.
I'm not like BMNB. He's happier than a pig in you-know-what practicing the law he practices. He has more freedom than I do -- an alternate work schedule, the freedom to work from home, and no bosses looking over his shoulder. It works for him.
Me, not so much. And I know that I'm running out of time to figure out how I'm going to make this all work because, sooner or later, that urgent assignment will come in, it will be my turn, and I will be expected to work over the weekend. My refusal will be considered insubordination. I'm already wearing a target on my back at work (it's a long story -- let's just say I'm in someone's cross hairs); any misstep can and will be held against me.
How much time will I take off to get our kids acclimated? How much time can I afford to take off?
Do I quit altogether and see if we can make it one BMNB's salary alone, even with the debt we have? That I can even consider such an option is a blessing that most women don't have, and I don't take it lightly. Do I just jump into motherhood and a new mother-friendly career (ahem, blogging?) at the same time and let go of the possibility of a pension, 401(k) and health care benefits in old age? What will our social worker think?
While other women are contemplating leaning in, I just feel like collateral damage in the so-called "mommy wars." Working moms and working-at-home moms (I think the term "stay-at-home mom" doesn't fully capture all the work that the term entails) seem to still be working this motherhood and career conflict out on each other instead of together opening up a can of whupass on the labor market to better accommodate parenthood. I would have thought that by this stage of the game, all the things that women need to parent and stay in the work force would have been standard issue by now in America -- paid parental leave, a child care center or pre-school on every corner, common and accepted part-time and shared work situations. But they're not, and each woman contemplating motherhood is left in a feral state to try to patch together some semblance of work-life balance. Lean in? At this stage, I don't care to lean in. I'd rather lean back, hold my kids-to-be, and read every single Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein book to them without worry. It is no longer a priority of mine to impress my superiors at work and continually prove myself to people whose opinion of me, in the end, doesn't really matter. What really matters to me is to know what it is to love children of my own and to share that love with BMNB. Everything else pales in comparison.
And the irony of it all? NP's boss is constantly out of the office with her sick children and doesn't work weekends. How's that for leaning in?
I don't know how this will all turn out, but I'm excited about what the future holds for BMNB and me.
Stay tuned.
Advice From a Mature Black Professional Woman to Younger Ones
I have a colleague from college, a black woman, who is extremely successful in her profession. She has been an innovator in her field, and some of the most newsworthy successes in her profession are due to her. After speaking to her a few months back after not having spoken for decades, we started catching up on each other's lives. She said that if she could give one piece of advice to young black professional women, it would be this:
Plan for marriage and children as meticulously as you plan your career.
My colleague is approaching fifty and she's single with no children. Mind you, she's not some tragic case wallowing in pity, but she just didn't envision that she wouldn't have married and had kids. Like many women in our generation, she thought that if she just put her effort into her career, all the other things she wanted -- marriage, children -- would simply fall into place. She thought the career part was the hardest part of one's life to get in order. Finding a suitable mate and producing kids, well, not so much.
Wrong.
Before you start creating visions in your mind of this woman, let me just say she's very pretty. She's also kind and well-spoken and funny. She'd be the perfect person to be a wife and mother.
Simply put, I think my generation of black women got it wrong when it comes to work/life balance. I know many black women from college who are single, and within that group are many who have not had children. I'm not saying that marriage and children are the holy grail for black professional women. What I'm saying is that if you even harbor a thought that those things are or might be important to you, you're going to have to make as much of an effort to achieve them as you make in achieving your career goals. Unlike what my colleague thought, achieving career success does not mean that love, marriage, and children will just, as she thought, "take care of themselves." They simply don't fall into place because you are a successful professional black woman.
I didn't value marriage and children during my early career years. In fact, I started devaluing marriage and family early on in life, starting with my own mom. I remember how my mother, She Who Is Exalted (SWIE), used to say that the one job she really wanted was to be a stay-at-home mom. I, riding high on feminism, Gloria Steinem, Shirley Chisholm, pre-teen hormones, and way too many choruses of Helen Reddy's "I Am Woman," informed my mother that she lacked ambition. Why would anyone want to be a stay-at-home mom, a job that my pre-teen self had decided required neither qualifications nor skill? I told my mom that if education was so important, as I was always told by her, why didn't SHE go back to school, get her high school diploma, go to college, and get a better job?
"Because I've got six kids to raise," she responded dryly.
My mother was a saint. Any other black pre-teen telling her mother that she "lacked ambition" would have had the taste slapped out of her mouth, or at least would have been in need of some orthodontic work.
What I saw from marriage and children as a child was constant struggle. I saw my mom and dad trying to pay the bills, keep us fed and clothed. I couldn't understand taking on so much responsibility when you didn't have to. From what I saw of my parents' marriage, a husband was just another human to feed and clothe. What was the point?
With age comes wisdom and discernment. I know now that there's a lot more to marriage and children than struggling to pay the bills. Maybe if I had realized this earlier in my career, I might have had some impetus to try harder at finding a mate and having kids earlier.
Anyway, I just thought I'd pass along my colleague's advice. If you even think you might want marriage and children in addition to your career, you're going to have to work at getting them.
And, quite frankly, I'd be more than happy to be a stay-at-home mom right about now.
Plan for marriage and children as meticulously as you plan your career.
My colleague is approaching fifty and she's single with no children. Mind you, she's not some tragic case wallowing in pity, but she just didn't envision that she wouldn't have married and had kids. Like many women in our generation, she thought that if she just put her effort into her career, all the other things she wanted -- marriage, children -- would simply fall into place. She thought the career part was the hardest part of one's life to get in order. Finding a suitable mate and producing kids, well, not so much.
Wrong.
Before you start creating visions in your mind of this woman, let me just say she's very pretty. She's also kind and well-spoken and funny. She'd be the perfect person to be a wife and mother.
Simply put, I think my generation of black women got it wrong when it comes to work/life balance. I know many black women from college who are single, and within that group are many who have not had children. I'm not saying that marriage and children are the holy grail for black professional women. What I'm saying is that if you even harbor a thought that those things are or might be important to you, you're going to have to make as much of an effort to achieve them as you make in achieving your career goals. Unlike what my colleague thought, achieving career success does not mean that love, marriage, and children will just, as she thought, "take care of themselves." They simply don't fall into place because you are a successful professional black woman.
I didn't value marriage and children during my early career years. In fact, I started devaluing marriage and family early on in life, starting with my own mom. I remember how my mother, She Who Is Exalted (SWIE), used to say that the one job she really wanted was to be a stay-at-home mom. I, riding high on feminism, Gloria Steinem, Shirley Chisholm, pre-teen hormones, and way too many choruses of Helen Reddy's "I Am Woman," informed my mother that she lacked ambition. Why would anyone want to be a stay-at-home mom, a job that my pre-teen self had decided required neither qualifications nor skill? I told my mom that if education was so important, as I was always told by her, why didn't SHE go back to school, get her high school diploma, go to college, and get a better job?
"Because I've got six kids to raise," she responded dryly.
My mother was a saint. Any other black pre-teen telling her mother that she "lacked ambition" would have had the taste slapped out of her mouth, or at least would have been in need of some orthodontic work.
What I saw from marriage and children as a child was constant struggle. I saw my mom and dad trying to pay the bills, keep us fed and clothed. I couldn't understand taking on so much responsibility when you didn't have to. From what I saw of my parents' marriage, a husband was just another human to feed and clothe. What was the point?
With age comes wisdom and discernment. I know now that there's a lot more to marriage and children than struggling to pay the bills. Maybe if I had realized this earlier in my career, I might have had some impetus to try harder at finding a mate and having kids earlier.
Anyway, I just thought I'd pass along my colleague's advice. If you even think you might want marriage and children in addition to your career, you're going to have to work at getting them.
And, quite frankly, I'd be more than happy to be a stay-at-home mom right about now.
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