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Splitting the U.S. of A: An Exercise in Stupidity

My sister, the Writing Diva, received this email from one of her right wingnut friends. It disturbed her deeply. I figured I’d take a shot at responding to it, as it was reportedly authored by a law student. Since I used to get paid to intellectually smack down cocky and uninformed law students, I thought this might be fun:


Of course you will.

American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce.... I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Indeed. Until you realize you have no economy to speak of. But go ahead, propose away.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Actually, brain surgeon, this would be a property settlement and/or custody agreement, but let’s not split hairs.

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

Cool! We’ll take California, Nevada (We wouldn’t want to burden you with those legal brothels, now would we? You can still patronize them, though, as your people are wont to do, by seeking what we’ll call a “fuck visa.” But it will cost you.), Hawai’i (Because, of course, you wouldn’t want to be burdened with the birthplace of President Obama; it’ll take a lot off the plates of your Tea Party People, but then, what else would they have to talk conspiracy theories about?), Oregon (because medical marijuana and assisted suicide offend you so), Washington (and Microsoft), Colorado, Puerto Rico (where you think illegal immigrants come from), Guam, the territories, New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, New Hampshire, Vermont, Maine, Illinois, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Washington, D.C. and Michigan. Good luck with the rest. Oh, and we’ll declare New Orleans a protectorate that belongs to neither of us, since your people did such a splendid job with relief and rebuilding and our people don’t want to own the entire state just to attend Mardi Gras and eat good food. Just like Cubans and former the U.S.A., we’ll give automatic citizenship to gay men from Atlanta because they shouldn’t have to suffer under your regime.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

Conversely, we gladly and happily cede to you Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, the entire Fox News channel, and that blond anorexic-looking conservative chick who won’t STFU. Oh, and Katie Couric, just because. We’ll keep Oprah, Michael and Rosie for the tax benefits alone. And good luck gassing up the Hummer you’ll need to ride Glenn and Rush around, especially if there’s another hurricane in the Gulf Coast.

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

Uh, slow your roll, homeskillet. You can’t keep capitalism and Wall Street if you don’t keep New York,and Lord knows you wouldn't want to keep the birthplace of hip-hop. And “hot Alaskan hockey moms” is a conflict in terms, since, if you’re talking about Sarah Palin, ignorance can never, ever be “hot.” As for the Bibles, we’ll be keeping those too, the difference being that we’ll at least crack ours open from time to time to make sure we’re actually quoting them correctly and following them. We liberals have this thing for fact checking and accuracy that your people tend to disdain, especially as they pertain to the exercise of government power and Fox News.

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

Good luck buying the armaments you’re going to need to “invade and hammer.” And the circuitry that powers those arms – designed in Silicon Valley, which we’ll own. I guess you’ll fly visually. We’ll save our armaments for real, not imagined, threats to national security, not “our way of life.” Lord knows, your “way of life” didn’t include people of color, women or gays for a long time, anyway. Does it now?

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

Why keep those Judeo-Christian values when you so rarely use them? Lord knows, the only lives you celebrate are in vitro – the in-your-face homeless and poor, well, tough nuggies for them in your new state. Like my momma used to say, if you’re not going to use something, give it to someone who will. We’ll actually use those Judeo-Christian values you speak of, thank you, sir. And since we embrace a diversity of views and beliefs so as to better equip us to deal with nations unlike ourselves in a peaceful manner, we’ll take Islam and raise you Hinduism and Buddhism.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You go right ahead driving those Osama bin Laden-mobiles. What’s good for Hummer and the like is good for . . . Saudi Arabia and al Qaeda.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

Funny, doctors seem to like San Francisco and Hawaii, where healthcare is provided to everyone regardless of cost. As for our new anthem, I personally prefer “One Nation Under A Groove,” but since we will be a deliberative democracy and not some dictatorial, neo-con facist state, we’ll vote on it and let your leader know what we decide. Not that he’ll communicate it down to you proles, anyway.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

What’s the point of keeping your history when you so rarely refer to it and regularly revise it to accomplish your current political objectives? And didn’t Bush I refer to “trickle down economics” as “voo doo economics”? Surely you wouldn’t want to embrace an economic approach associated with what you would view as a cult. You might also have difficultly with keeping the flag, too, since you’ll have to actually be able to count the stars you’ll need to delete to reflect the current number of states in your new union and you don’t highly prize public education. You do know what the stars in the flag stand for, right? Oh, my bad -- you’ll just replace the stars you’ll have to delete with bars, since that’s so familiar and comforting to you anyway. I know – heritage, not hate.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you Answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sure, I’ll take that bet. Oh, and we’ll take the immigrants, too, since we all know that most of the agricultural and entrepreneurial growth will be dependent upon them. Jai ho!

John J. Wall
Law Student and an American


Black Woman Blogging
Lawyer and American


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