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The Unwritten Rules of Life

I wrote these a long time ago while sitting in a boring meeting, and I recently ran across them. Mind you, I've definitely broken a few of these rules myself, like trying to raise grown boyfriends and not saving enough money, but these pearls of wisdom I've learned from my parents, family and friends might help you, too.


1. You are responsible for your children's education, not the government. If they drop out of school, they'll probably be living in your house, not the government's.

2. You are not where you live, what you drive, or what you wear.

3. Do not attend funerals of co-workers' relatives unless it is clear your presence is requested. Your co-workers are not your family.

4. Pets are not disposable. If you cannot commit to caring for a pet for its lifetime, consider gardening instead.

5. If you drive a luxury vehicle and live in the ghetto, the barrio, or a trailer park, your priorities are misplaced.

5a. Same if you have rims on your vehicle and live in the ghetto, the barrio, or a trailer park.

6. If you are wealthy and your parents live in poverty, you are most certainly going to hell.

7. Three things women cannot and should not share: 1) A kitchen; 2) underwear; and 3) a man.

8. There is no shame in these four words: I can't afford it.

9. Never be financially dependent on anyone, especially if you are a woman. A man is not a plan.

10. Appearances do matter IF the judgments people make based on your appearance prevent you from achieving your goals, like trying to work in corporate America.

11. The Joneses are frontin', plain and simple. Do not try to keep up with them.

12. Blame and anger, in excess, are wastes of energy. Redirect that energy towards achieving something positive.

13. A dog that will bring a bone will carry a bone. Beware the office gossip.

14. Never give your adversaries the tools of your own demise.

15. Your children don't really care about your work. At best, they feign interest to make you feel better.

16. If you are still seeking the approval and validation of others after the age of 40, seek therapy instead.

17. You cannot raise a grown person.

18. If you are underrated, chances are you are underpaid, too.

19. A line of credit does not equal savings.

20. Nobody owes you anything, especially your parents. If you want something, you better work for it.

21. Ain't nothing free but Jesus.

22. To the persistent go the spoils.

23. Your children will value what you value. Conversely, they will not value what you don't.

24. There are no atheist parents in a pediatric emergency room.

25. If you don't teach your children to distinguish their wants from their needs, they will grow up believing that all their wants are needs.

26. Things you should never buy new: a car; musical instruments; wooden furniture; books; music; DVDs. Things you should never buy used: underwear; mattresses.

27. "Please," "Thank You," "Yes, Ma'am," and "No, Ma'am" aren't just for southern children.

28. Before you have a child, ask yourself, "If I were coming into the world, would I choose myself as a parent?" If the answer is "no," don't have a child.

29. No tombstone has ever read, "Beloved lawyer." Who you were to others in life will be reflected on your tombstone.

30. We all dine at the table of the consequences of our decisions. Choose wisely.

31. If your significant other is a liar, a thief, or a philanderer, just walk away. See Rule # 17.

32. The only people who want to hear about your sex life are perverts. Don't engage them.

33. Money is not the root of all evil -- it is a means to financial peace of mind. Save as if you have no one to help you if things go bad. Chances are, you won't.

34. If you really like something at Target and you can afford it, buy it. Merchandise turns over quickly there.

35. If you have ever hit your parents in anything other than self defense, you are pond scum.

36. Your children neither want nor need your negativity. If you are constantly criticizing your children, maybe you aren't happy with yourself.

37. Do not drag infant children by one arm on the bus or subway. They are not rag dolls. Pick them up.

38. Anger is no excuse for hitting a child. If you're the adult, act like it.

39. A well-rounded education includes knowledge of the arts, foreign languages, and different cultures.

40. If you don't travel, you are less likely to see the humanity in people unlike yourself.

41. The world isn't fair, and when it comes to Scrabble and Monopoly, you probably aren't either.

42. Disabled people aren't office pets. Don't treat them as such.

43. Before your criticize, analyze.

44. If you want your child to marry a good spouse, you should be married to a good spouse and be a good spouse yourself. Children model what they see.

45. Do not teach children that it is acceptable to disrespect teachers. If they disrespect teachers, they'll have problems with authority figures for the rest of their lives. See Rule # 1.

46. You are responsible for your children's nutritional habits.

47. Marriage does not excuse you from self-sufficiency.

48. Your spouse or significant other is not your:

a. Parent
b. Child
c. Bank
d. Credit card company
e. Maid
f. Social secretary
g. Tech support
h. Laundry service
i. Therapist
j. Sex worker
k. Repair person
l. Personal stylist
m. Mechanic
n. Proofreader
o. Teacher
p. Cook
q. GPS for lost household items

49. You may not get what you deserve in this life, but you'll damn sure get what you settle for.


Anonymous said…
I like this list :)
Anonymous said…
This sucks! I dunno about you, but I have a pretty nice life doing things MY way. That is to say working a minimal amount for a hell of a good salary; not respecting any of my superiors and lastly (and I cannot stress this enough), making sure everyone in my household has their place.
I don't understand how what I've written conflicts with the way you're living your life. If what you're doing is working for you, keep doing it!


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