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Dear Santa, Can We Cut A Deal?

Dear Santa,

I'm a lawyer. That means I basically grew up thinking just about anything was negotiable. I think this "naughty or nice" thing should be negotiable because, for one, your terms are vague, and two, whether my wishes are fulfilled shouldn't be an "either-or" proposition. Santa, behavior is way more complicated than that. We lawyers see shades of gray where other folks see only black or white, and we are highly compensated, unless we work for the State of California, for seeing those shades of gray. They're called "legal argument."

So Santa, think we can cut a deal on this whole "naughty or nice" thing?

First, some things need to be taken off the "naughty" table. Santa, what happens between two consenting married people in the privacy of their bedroom or other places with smooth surfaces shouldn't make the "naughty" list. BMNB didn't date me on and off for twenty years and then marry me just because of the intellectual conversation, Santa. I'm just sayin'. Some of my "naughty" has been pretty nice to him. Just because you see us when we're sleeping doesn't mean you should be watching, Santa. That's just kinda pervy, if you ask me.

Second, some of the nice things should be weighed against the naughty ones to come to a determination as to whether my wishes will be fulfilled. That's only fair, Santa.

So, here goes with the naughty things I've done this year:

I'm still not on speaking terms with some members of my family. But Santa, I have so much more peace in my life because I'm not. Do I have to give up my peace to be on good terms with people who wreck my peace just because they're related to me? No arrest warrants or restraining orders were issued because I kept to myself, Santa. I hate to stereotype, Santa, but in a black family, that's huge.

I embarrassed a public official in a public meeting. But he deserved it, Santa, because he misrepresented something and I called him on it. I did it for the good of the tax-paying public, Santa. I consider that pro bono publico, Santa. Not entirely naughty in my book.

I didn't visit my in-laws down south this summer. I allowed my work to get in the way of traveling with BMNB. That I do regret.

I did go off on some of my co-workers in a meeting. But they deserved it, Santa, really they did. I had returned from vacation and they were all on my back about getting something done that was nowhere near being late, while another co-worker who was late on a project was being allowed to skate. So I called them on it, Santa. I don't regret that, but it was naughty.

Oh, and I may have told a few people to kiss my pretty black ass, Santa, but I come by that naturally. My mom used to tell people that all the time, and I'm sure she's in heaven. I think you should overlook that, Santa.

Now for the nice:

I cooked more this year, relatively speaking. No, Santa, I'm not trying to get over on you, statistically speaking. I know that when you go from not cooking at all to cooking once, that is essentially a 100% increase. I did cook more than once, Santa. Not much more than once, but I did cook more than once. BMNB has not starved to death. Yet.

I lost weight. I joined Weight Watchers again (Yes, Santa, I know I'm to Weight Watchers what Lindsay Lohan is to rehab), and I lost weight. Mind you, when they switched our meeting leader to this insipidly happy chick, I stopped going and regained some of the weight. But I'm really going back, Santa, really I am.

I finished my book. That's huge, Santa. I should get major points for that.

I grew vegetables last summer and gave them away. No, Santa, they didn't go to the needy. They went to my neighbors and my sisters. Is that any less nice?

I took BMNB to see one of his favorite singers, Anthony Hamilton, in concert for his birthday.

I fed my sister's cats while she was away at a retreat. Okay, I know I'm reaching here, Santa, since I really adore her cats, but it was still nice of me to do so.

I gave out legal advice to relatives. Yeah, Santa, I know -- I'm supposed to do that.

I gave up red meat, dairy, and caffeine. Okay, Santa, fine -- I'm giving up red meat, dairy and caffeine. Yeah, you saw me last week with that applewood-smoked bacon and Gruyere grilled cheese sandwich.

Come to think of it, Santa, maybe I haven't been all that nice after all. But when you consider what I want for Christmas, I think you'd be willing to cut me a deal.

Okay, Santa, here's what I want:

A son for BMNB.

Yeah, I know -- we basically flunked our adoption classes last year as no-shows. But we've gotten our priorities in order and I think BMNB is really ready to become a dad. He's had lots of practice with our great-nieces and great-nephews, and I think he really longs to shape the direction of a young African-American boy in need of a father. It would really make him happy, and anything that makes him happy makes me even more happy.

So Santa, think we can cut a deal?

Thanks for reading, Santa.

Black Woman Blogging

P.S. Santa, I wouldn't be mad if you made it two boys, as long as they don't leave the seat down when they pee. I hate that.

Comments

Santa said…
Dear Black Woman Blogging,

I agree that at times we may feel naughty for doing what is needed. In the "Santa Manual for deciphering the differences between naughty and nice", what you have done this past year is keep your peace.

I cannot hold it against you for keeping others at a distance if it keeps them from falling under the wheels of your car...

About the public officials and co-workers... Yes you may absolutely be on the naughty list for calling them out if your goal was to gain something other than improvements in protocol efforts to make the office run smooth like buttah (yeah Santa has a few catch phrases in his book). I say if they had it coming and you covered your behind, that's not naughty on my list.

Smooth surfaces.... ahem! Go on with yo bad self!

Looking into what you are submitting to me as what you deem "nice", I grew shaky in the knees.
Anthony Hamilton is on hit! All the elves are rocking him right now in the workshop. You know that song "Sistah Big Bones"? All I can see is my beautiful Mrs. Claus dancing around our Christmas tree (The North Pole ain't just for marking our spot on the map, by the way).

Speaking of a plate of neck bones, cooking for anyone, feeding anyone, and growing veggies is a bonus and even makes up for your trying to pass off the cat-sitting for your furry nieces/nephews.

Back again to the neck bones. WW is about YOU eating healthy, acting healthy, and becoming the same in your mind, body, and soul. The chipper, happy, leader lady has been where you are... Keep that in mind sweety.

There is so much more on your list of being 'nice' that I have to pass on dinging your for anything. You HAVE indeed been a good girl this year. We can cut a deal.

You have kept a safe and warm home for maintaining a happy BMNB, raising two beautiful boys (get thyself to adoption classes), and being visited by people you love and care for.

All I ask in return is that you keep up the good work. Can Santa get a "Woot! Woot!"

Much love and respect young lady,

C Kringle (aka Santa)

P.S.
Santa can barely see through tonights eggnog toddy. I will give you extra points next year if ya strip the "Captchas"
THANK YOU SANTA!!!! That made my day!

Black Woman Blogging
Oh, and Santa, what's a "Captcha"?
Santa said…
The elves came back from filing and told me that they had to type in a funny shaped combination of letters to enter my post.

At the bottom of this one is
"dific"

not a word but it is used to make sure that you don't get spam. You are pretty popular BWB so to keep your blog smart and shiny, I guess you can leave it.

Merry Christmas and see you on Sunday!

Santa

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